17 July 2009 | No Comment  Print |  Email

Background: Shubhi — I hope I’m spelling her name correctly — was a girl I used to work with when I collected debt for Sears. It was the worst job I’ve ever had, but it had the greatest perk I’ve ever experienced, which was working with Shubhi. Not only is she arguably the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met, but she’s probably the hottest as well. Beauty and hotness are different in my book, so what a great find to work with someone who was both!

Anyway, I’m pretty realistic and I know that a girl of this level of beauty has her pick of admirers. I also know that I’m not exactly classically handsome and if a girl who looks like Shubhi — with a body that was made for spray-on-tight clothes — is going to go for a guy like me, then the physical appearance deficit needs to be made up for by one of three things:

1. Cash: Obviously, I couldn’t fool her into thinking that I had money since we both had the same crappy job.

2. Package: A minimum of 8 inches in length and 4 inches in girth, which is definitely not me. I’d be poking out of my waistband every time I got a chubby.

3. Personality: I’ve got personality in spades and I thought it was just enough to get my foot in the door.

I’ll just spare you the suspense and tell you now that I crashed an burned in my endeavor and that she wasn’t interested at all. On the other hand, who can blame me when all the clues were laid out like breadcrumbs? Here they are as I perceived them:

1. We had constant “eye tag” going on all throughout training.

2. We also had the offhand physical side where she stroked my hands and commented on how smooth they were and whatnot. Sure it’s harmless, but consider how often you do that with people. I typically don’t touch my female friends unless I’m interested, especially at work. Maybe it’s a guy thing.

3. One night during training we had started to talk about restaurants and I mentioned the different places I had been and this girl was particularly intrigued. After class she had said that she and I should go together. Realizing that she had a boyfriend I discounted it off as a friendly joke, but then she said she was serious and that we should go. Before I could react we were interrupted by coworkers.

4. Another time in training I revealed that I draw portraits. To show off my skills I asked this girl for a photograph. Full Disclosure: I wanted to flatter her and what better way to do that than by drawing her? So the night that she brought her picture, I’m walking her out to her car and she says to me, get this, “If I’m drawn I want to be drawn like Titanic: naked.” Then she gives me “the look.” I pause and arrange my expression accordingly, then reply, “I can do that.” Then she chuckles and then I chuckle and she gets me the picture.

5. After having drawn said picture, I show her the finished product and she’s all over me. Well, maybe that’s being unfair. Let me just say that she showed more gratitude than I thought was necessary or expected. We were in the parking lot when I showcased the work and she hugged me repeatedly and hung on my arm all the way back to the call center.

6. Another night I’m walking her out to her car and she takes it upon herself to tell me that she and her boyfriend broke up. To give a little more context: She had said that she was going to watch a movie with someone that night and after work, in order to come up with idle conversation, I had recapped her plans for the evening asking, “So you’re going to watch Joyride with your boyfriend tonight?” That’s when she told me.

7. The last night of training we’re all saying our goodbye’s to one another and it just so happens that she and I walk out the same way. She tells me how happy she was that I was in her class and how she wants me to sit with her when we actually start working and she tries to give me a hug. We’re both overloaded with junk from training so I tell her to give it to me some other time. I walk her out to her car just to see her off and she puts her stuff inside and motions me over. Then she gives me an “interesting” hug, complete with stroking the nape of my neck. Guys know what I’m talking about when you hug a girl who really doesn’t want to hug you. The girl pulls this “lean” so that only her arms touch the guy and upper body contact is minimized, while keeping pelvic areas in different timezones. No, this was definitely an intimate hug.

8. One day out of training she asks me out to lunch. We ended up missing each other and she went to get lunch alone, but she did join me when she found me to finish off the break. The next day she asked to have lunch again and we made sure to meet that time. This was the first time we had a decent conversation. By that I mean we got to talking about our personal lives and other things that go beyond the things we did last night.

9. While working that same day I asked her if she was seeing a guy at work because I had seem them together often and she told me he was just a friend. So then she asks me if I’m seeing someone. “Who’s the special girl?” she added. I told her I was single and she asked why and rather than “get into it” right then and there in the middle of calls I summed it up by saying, “Girls don’t like me.” Then she replied, “I like you.” Don’t get me wrong. I understand that more than likely she did not mean it in “that way,” because openness of that magnitude is virtually unheard of, especially in the workplace. I only include it now, because it was the last thing to transpire between us before I made my move.

I handed her a note, asking her out to dinner. She was big on passing notes and I figured it was the least embarrassing route to take. After I handed it to her I was interrupted by a call, so I wasn’t able to gauge her initial reaction. When I turned around, however, I saw her looking at me and she asked, “When?” Regrettably, her voice was a pitch to high, denoting controlled anxiety. Furthermore, she was folding up the note nervously, rubbing the crease over and over again to Ginsu sharpness. Her eyes were looking at me, but her mind’s eye was looking for an excuse to give for any date and time I gave her.

I quickly replied, “Whenever,” only because I wanted to get to my next statement which was, “Look, if I’ve made you uncomfortable I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. You’re under no obligation to…” Then she cut me off.

“Don’t be silly. I’m off this weekend, maybe we can do it then.”

“Okay, I’m off this weekend also.”

“Oh.” Pause. “Let me give my–” then she caught herself, “Why don’t you give me your number?”

Hesitation betrayed her. I pretended I got another call and told her that I would give it to her later. Of course, I didn’t plan on giving it to her after that, unless of course, she asked for it. Alas, she never did. Furthermore, she changed her schedule around so that I hardly saw her. Was I the impetus behind that? I can’t say for sure, but it was highly coincidental.