RomComs and RomDrams are Ruining Our Love Lives
29 November 2007
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38 Comments
Since I’m doing my best to get some exposure, I frequent as many social networks as I can. More often than not, these Web sites have an “About Me” section with a sub-section for favorite movies. I’m always fascinated with the common threads that tie everyone together. One film title that I constantly find on female social networking profiles is The Notebook. This appalls me, not because it’s a bad movie, per se, but because the romance portrayed in the film represents both everything that’s wrong in relationships and apparently what women want in relationships.
It goes without saying that you shouldn’t read this if you haven’t seen the movie yet.
OK, so we have Noah and Allie and they’re just two crazy kids in love. We’ve all been there. It’s easy to fall in love over the summer when you’re young and silly and having fun lying in the street laughing at stoplights. That’s why, at the end of the day, Allie’s parents were right in splitting them up. What did Allie know about love? She was 17. She knew everything about passion — agreed — but that’s not love. Love — real love — is loving someone when it’s hard, when they don’t deserve it, when they’ve hurt you in the worst way. Real love does not blossom in the span of one summer.
Noah and Allie find themselves separated for seven years, during which time they live out very different lives and meet new people. They still carry a torch for each other and that’s fine. I still think of girls I knew in high school and wonder what ever became of them. It’s natural, but Allie meets Lon and he’s amazing. He comes from the same background. He’s charming, has great prospects and, let’s not forget, he absolutely loves Allie. She claims to love him back and he has no reason to doubt her since she’s agreed to marry him. This is awesome. This is what every person hopefully strives for when they seek out relationships. Yet the moment Allie sees Noah’s picture in the newspaper, everything that she and Lon built suddenly and completely goes down the toilet. Flush. No floaters.
She tells Lon that she’s going to visit the Old Town, knowing full well that she’s actually going to see Noah. Lon, of course, has no problem with her visiting anywhere because his trust in her is that complete. Allie and Noah reconnect and what happens? She lets him take her to the boneyard. Repeatedly. Astonishingly, Lon, the great guy that he is, forgives Allie and is willing to take her back. Allie declines, opting to be with the guy she knew for a total of three months, hadn’t seen for seven years and has no identifiable source of income.
Never mind that she told Lon that she loved him.
Never mind that she agreed to marry him.
Never mind the entire life she’s built with him.
Allie found “true love” and that’s all that matters.
Everything else be damned!
That brings us to today’s social landscape. Women around the world are watching The Notebook and applauding it, saying to themselves, “Yes. YES! This is proper behavior! My love life should be like this!” This movie tells women that even if they are in committed relationships with men who are good for them, they should cash these men in like a small stack of poker chips in a casino for the chance at passion. Words have no meaning and when you tell someone you love them and that you’ll marry them it should be understood that all contracts are only binding insofar as you don’t run into your ex-boyfriend.
Conversely, The Notebook tells all guys that it doesn’t matter how well you treat your girl. You can offer her financial stability, emotional support and your dashing good looks. None of that matters in the face of true love. And even if you think you’re the one she’s truly in love with, as Lon surely did, The Notebook proves that you’re only right until you’re proven wrong. Therefore, as a boyfriend, you should be as controlling as possible. Don’t let your girlfriend go dancing, grocery shopping or get the car washed, because you never know where she might discover true love. Imagine how embarrassing it would be to have your girlfriend take your Lamborghini to get washed and run into her old high school sweetheart working there. Their eyes meet and memories of remedial algebra crash into their thoughts as suds, love and violin strings swell around them. Hey, it could happen, which is why it’s never too early to become a Muslim Fundamentalist.
The point here is that, as a guy, you cannot rely on your good looks, fine upbringing, good job or wonderful treatment to keep you secure in your relationship. Furthermore, you can’t make the mistake of thinking your girl’s words are worth a damn when she tells you she loves you and that she’ll marry you. NOTHING TRUMPS TRUE LOVE.
The insidious aspect of romantic comedies and romantic dramas is that they make men sympathize with the guy who gets the girl, never with the guy who loses her. Therefore, we naturally think that we are the hero of our own romantic drama. And maybe that’s true, but only until we get the girl. Once that happens, if we follow the rules of romantic dramas, we become the villain. And as we all know, the villain can only lose the girl.
One of the few romantic dramas that I can respect is Casablanca. Rick’s decision to let Ilsa go at the end is the very essence of true love. If Ilsa doesn’t go with Victor, everyone’s lives are going to suck. Instead, they keep the love for each other safe in their hearts, because it’s not something that can survive in the world anymore. So, despite the personal anguish, Rick lets Ilsa go because it’s what’s best for her in the long run.
Heck, that’s better than true love; it’s smart love.
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René Garcia is a professional copywriter living and working in Southern California. He also freelances for regional publications, reviewing restaurants, movies and locales or covering events. René is also an aspiring screenwriter. (Read more about this Author)
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Well said and an infinity of Amen’s. I used to think that people recognized this stuff as fiction . . . then I got married. And, now, I’m not. But. I’m still hopeful.
Merry Christmas, All!
I’m not going to lie, i really like this movie. But i completely agree that movies make us side with the guy who got the girl, not the one who loses her. Take Sweet Home Alabama…Andrew completely in love with Melanie, gave her the world, completely trusted her, and then she completely screwed him at the altar, and we’re supposed to be happy? I’d love to see a movie from these people’s perspective because i think it would really change our view of “true love” as portrayed in movies.
Wow. Well said.
OTOH, the tropes of romantic love weren’t created by Hollywood, and are all told about eight hundred years old. The question is, do people have the confident understanding of fantasy and reality needed to interpret a story like this without expecting silly things from real life? We tend to assume they do when they watch, say, a SF or horror plot - should we give them less credit when it’s a fairytale romance? And if not, will this do more, less, or just different net damage to the collective psyche than, say, Independence Day?
Corollary question, since you seem interested in what remains of different gender cultures - how do the different social skills that many boys and girls still recieve prepare them to make this kind of interpretation?
Amen. I didn’t like the movie. When every girl I knew was squealing about how I just HAD to watch it, I thought, well hell, it better be worth the two hours. Then I watched it. And I gagged. But then, that’s Hollywood for you. These days, the dramas are all so fairy tale-like that, well, girls are tossin’ whats left of their brains and letting their imaginations and expectations run wild.
As far as I remember, in Casablanca, Ilsa left Rick and went with a man she loved. That is how they separated in the first place. And if that man were not her true love, she wouldn’t have left Casablanca at all at the end and Rick, again.
- Allie and Noah meet, Ilsa and Victor meet.
- Something happens and they separate.
- Allie meets Lon, Ilsa meets Rick telling nothing of Noah and Victor respectively.
- They meet their old flames again and go back to them, leaving Lon and Rick alone in Paris.
So, if in the Notebook, Lon and Allie meet again like Elsa and Rick do and Lon lets her go, we would have Casablanca.
I don’t know what’s better, to have your fiance run out on you or to have her lie in your arms every night and wish you were someone else. I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn’t, or who loved somebody else more than me.
Noah is right when he asks Allie not to think about others but what she wants. It’s not even about true love or something. Sometimes you want certain things that you can get only from certain people, and you want to be with them. The time you realise what you want, you have to take it or regret it for the rest of your life. I guess that’s what Allie’s Mum meant in a way. You wouldn’t ever look at your rationally chosen plantation owner husband in the same way. Like Ellen O’Hara dies screaming for Phillippe Robillard after a lifetime with Gerald.
I have to tell you, I understand what you’re saying, however, I am guessing you’ve never truly been in love like this. I met my husband while walking down the street in San Francisco. He saw me standing in front of him in a market and followed me. He remembered where I worked, called the next day and asked me out for lunch. On our third date, he asked me to marry him. He also moved in to my apartment. We didn’t do that intentionally, he just came over and never left. We were both highly educated, but poor as dirt. I had dated several very financially stable men, including one worth hundreds of millions. None of that mattered when my husband and I met. We fell hopelessly in love with one another. Besides, he is one of the hardest working people I’ve ever known, and it was more important to me to spend my life with someone that had a strong work ethic than someone who came from money.
He worked out of our home for almost 20 years just because he didn’t want to be away from me and I drive him to work in the morning so we can have that extra time together. We have raised children, argued, made up, moved and changed homes several times. All these years later, however, we are still hopelessly, passionately, madly in love with each other. We’ve grown older, but I still see that gorgeous man I fell in love with. He’s still gorgeous to me. In fact, I have to say, he’s actually become even more handsome to me and I love him more every day. He has been the kindest, most devoted, loving, wonderful husband and father I could have dreamed of. Honest to God, I hope we die together some day because neither of us can fathom a day without the other. Call us stupid, sappy, or unrealistic…maybe, but it’s all true. It is possible. I feel sorry for people who say it’s not because that tells me they’ve never loved like this. We had rented The Notebook on Netflix recently. We watched it last night, and, sorry, but, it’s us.
7. Red:
Thanks for stopping by daily to see if anyone else has replied to your comment. Unfortunately, for as many hits as I get for this article, comments are few and far between. You might want to cut down your visits to once a week.
I agree with you! The Notebook IS my favorite movie but I respect it for what it truly is, a MOVIE! This movie is calming to me and when me and my husband are having a bad day, one of us will put the movie in and next thing we know, things seem okay. I loved what you said - “Love — real love — is loving someone when it’s hard, when they don’t deserve it, when they’ve hurt you in the worst way” — I’ve lived through this with my husband and came to face some very hard decisions. But, in the end, I love him! I loved him when the times were good and I continued to love him when the times got really bad. He knows he didnt deserve me at the time but, as you said, true love is loving them when they dont deserve it. Now things are wonderful, all has been put to rest and we have moved on together. We truly do have REAL LOVE!!
I don’t understand why are you surprised that you “cannot rely on your good looks, fine upbringing, good job or wonderful treatment to keep you secure in your relationship”? Its love, its not an investment or mathematics, there is no formula that can guarantee that other person will love you back, its not meant to be ’secure’…
This movie (or other romdrams) doesn’t tell women that they should leave good man for a chance of passion. She loved Noah, he is a good man too (and his income shouldn’t really be an issue anyway)… it wasn’t just a passion, that is very clear from the movie.
Also, it doesn’t tell guys that “it doesn’t matter how well you treat your girl”. You could say that if Noah treated Allie bad, which didn’t happen in this movie. In fact, we don’t see much about how Lon is treating her but we see that Noah was treating her right, most important of all: he is really interested in what she loves to do and he is helping her be free and be truly herself (fact that Lon didn’t even knew that she loves to paint is a big deal in the story since that is very important to her). Lon was good, Noah was good, she loved both but she loved Noah more, that’s it.
This movie certainly doesn’t tell you “that you should be as controlling as possible”. You shouldn’t even aspire to control person you love, that’s for cults, dictatorships and robots. Do your best and if she loves someone else, be even better, and if that doesn’t work, just let it go. Sometimes you get lucky (like Noah), sometimes you don’t (like Lon), but that’s love and life. It wouldn’t be so fun if it was all secure.
You say that in romantic movies like this one, we become villain when we get the girl and that is very, very incorrect. Lon isn’t really a villain here and Noah truly becomes a ‘hero’ long after he got the girl, when they are both old and he still loves her although she doesn’t remember anything, but he is still there, loving her…
When I first saw this movie I had to admit that I would have chosen Lon. My sister and most of my friends thought I was nuts, but I actually felt sad that she chose Noah. And quite simply because of what you stated - he loved her even though she didn’t deserve it. I think he loved her more passionately (at least that’s how he was portrayed in the movie - not so in the book). I want the type of man who Lon was - he exhibited true “strength under control” - He didn’t judge her, even when she wronged him in the worst way you could ever wrong a man. He reasoned that he didn’t want Allie because she just didn’t love him enough. He didn’t blame “the other man” or shake his fists at God. He let her go, simply because he didn’t have her to begin with.
I do realize that I’m in the minority in choosing Lon over Noah, but I do feel that Lon was by far the “better” man. And it had nothing to do with his money but has everything to do with how he loved her. When she walked in on his meeting - everything else stopped for her. He didn’t choose work or anything over her. And I do believe that had he (his character of course) met her when she was young and was in the same social class and situation as Noah - he NEVER would have let her parents drive them apart. And he certainly wouldn’t have waited 7 years to contact her or wait for her to contact him.
Noah’s character depressed me. Damn - didn’t he realize that someone was intercepting his letters? It wasn’t as if he was on such great terms with Allie’s parents. Wouldn’t the light go on for most of you? It did for me. And you don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to realize this. For crying out loud - he went off to war. I’m sure he grew up a lot. Now why didn’t he take his little trip out to see Allie before 7 years - before she ????
And as far as Allie is concerned - I wouldn’t have spoken to my mother for doing less than what hers did. Why did she wait until she had someone who loved her to go seek out her old flame? I guess for the same reasons why people seek out a new love before they leave their present one. It makes things easier for them - plus it must give the ole ego an nice little boost.
I would like to see a sequel - of Lon’s life and the person he ends up with. And, I don’t see him as a victim - but of someone who escaped a life of hell with a real selfish egocentric woman.
And yes, I’m a female and quite the romantic, and yes I’ve loved like that. And yes, I’ve been hurt by a young love.
But after many years I went on and married the man of my dreams. A man so much like Lon (except for the money part - LOL) - and we’ve been married for 15 years and we’re so very much in love and we hope the same as the other poster - that we die together because life apart isn’t worth living for either one of us.
I wrote this because I don’t want you to think that every woman is a pushover.
Angel
11. Angel:
You rock, sister.
That’s all.
Of course that’s all it matters! True love is the best thing that can ever happen to you in life. There’s nothing better than true love. Love is the closest thing we have to magic.♥
@destiny hope:
Love is for the birds, sister. When you get older you’ll see that there are other things in life that are as good/better than love. If you think that love is the best thing in life, then you haven’t had a really good steak yet.
Wow. Quite the bitter one.
I guess it depends on your definition of love. Love is not a feeling or a noun. Love is a verb. It is a choice. It is about commitment and strength and honor. It is, by its very nature, unselfish. It is choosing to do what’s best for someone else rather than yourself. It is wondering what your life would be like if you had chosen a different path, wondering if you would be happier, and then realizing that you would not be the person that you are if you had taken that path. That you might not even be a better person.
Romantic love is a fairly new idea (in historical terms, anyway) but it sure has gotten a grip on our minds. If you have someone that does all kinds of surprising, romantic things and is still by your side when you’re 80, hurrah! But if you have someone who doesn’t necessarily think of surprising, romantic things (or at least by your standards, anyway) but loves you anyway and is still by your side when you’re 80, that love is just as much true love as the other.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
@alwaysfrog:
Sorry to get back to you so late. Re-reading your comment, I’m not entirely sure how to respond. I agree with your point as far as I can understand it, but does it pertain to the point I’m making about the film?
Yes.
My point is that you don’t just break a commitment to someone you purportedly love simply because you think you’d be better off with someone else. True love makes sacrifices for someone else, it’s not selfish, thinking only of oneself.
With that said, however, I will say that Allie was not actually married to Lon. Had she been married to Lon, that would have been another story altogether.
As I reflect on my post, I realize that my husband and I started out the same way. Only I did not leave someone for him, he left someone for me (not because I asked, I wasn’t even interested!) He later told me that he realized that he had made a mistake and the he had a choice: he could either be a fool for a moment (ie. not marrying the person he was engaged to) or be a fool for a lifetime. BTW, we’ve been married for over 12 years and have two wonderful children.
I will say that there are times when I think that he loves me more than I love him and I wonder what my life would have been like had I not married him. However, I will never leave because I did marry him and to me marriage is a covenant that is not to be broken unless one’s life or the life of one’s children is in danger.
Personally, I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be easier if we went back to the days of arranged marriages!
@alwaysfrog:
I get you now.
Here’s the thing: I’m happy that everything worked out for you. I hope, however, that you can agree that if your child’s fiancé(e) pulls what your husband did on him or her that it would be horrible. Imagine your child standing at the altar all alone with a comical look on his/her face because all of his/her insides were just kicked out. And the spouse-to-be out there somewhere, having a wonderful life. It’s terrible and certainly not something we should teach people to do.
Lastly, I hate to nitpick, but it seems like your husband acted out of selfishness and not out of love as you were “not even interested.” And if that’s the case, I’m OK with that. I think people should act in their own best interest. I just think people need to be upfront about it.
Instead of people saying, “I’ll love you forever,” try, “I’ll love you until something better comes along.” At least that will dispel any illusions the other person might have.
Well I think a lot of you are over looking the entire point of this movie and the book. If you don’t get the movie and some of you don’t then read the book. The is in every sense of the words a love story. It has romance and passion and everything anyone in life dremas about. True Love. They were meant to be together. It was meant to be for them. I agree with some of you in some ways but I have my opinons like everyone else. Lon however is a total victim of a bad situration. Allie was always in love with Noah. She loved him and parents interferred. When they drug her away from him he wrote and it says he wrote her 365 days. Maybe he knew the letters were not getting through to Allie and her parents were keeping them from her. All the more reason to keep on writing in hopes she gets at least one to know he’s writing and he needs her. Yeah, she tried moving on but she was never truely happy and you see this in the film. She’s torn between her decession. And why wouldn’t she be. She loves two people but in two different ways. And Noah, Yeah he went to war and he kept going, tried to have a failing relationship he didn’t want, that didn’t feel right and wasn’t right. What’s he do, he rebuilds the house just as he promised he would. He never gave up on her adn she never gave up on him. They continued to love each other though miles and years seperated them. And is just about everyone forgetting the true point of the movie. The entire movie is taking place in a flash back. The point, the true story, the true passion and the true romance is Noah sitting in that nursing home with Allie who has no idea who he is. Yet, he loves her as he always had from the time they first met. He reads to her everyday hoping and praying that she will remember, that he will see that spark of love in her eyes. That she will remember and that she is loved adn not a lone. And waht better ending to a love story then to die in the arms of the one you love with the one you love when God decides it’s time, it’s your time. So I don’t nderstand some of th elogic up in here. Saying Noah was depressed. Of course he was. He was an empty shell without his Allie, his love. Did he give up on his dreams no. Is he better then Lon? Maybe not but he was better for Allie, like I said previously, they were made for each other. She was his missing puzzle piece to complete his life and he completed her’s. I really think it’s the best romance movie I’ve ever seen ,adn I’d go a step further and say ever made. Includes the book too. This movie and the book really had an impact in my life. So maybe I’m biest (however that is spelled. But I’ll go to my grave loving my baby and even in death I’ll love her forever. She loves the movie just as much as myself. When we grow old I’ll love her just as much then as I do now if not even more and she’ll be just as beautiful as ever. If a day comes that she has to be put into a nursing home, then you can bet I’ll be right there by her side just like Noah did for Allie. It’ll always be about her and she will always be first in my life, her happiness brings me happiness. I’m sorry for my spelling and my bad grammer. I just hope people can realy see that the movie is about passion, love, romance, hopes and dreams. Never to give up even when the road of life gets bumpy. Allies parents where thier bump. If they would have never took her away fom Noah then Lon would have never entered the picture. Those were hard times for Noah and Allie and as hard as she tried to just settle for what life handed her, she knew it was not were whe belonged, she knew where she was meant to be and that’s where she ended up in the end. Were she was meant to be for the rest of her life. Every door open leads to somewhere and every door opened may not be the right one, but you’ll know when you walk through the right door. And you have to remember, If I wouldn’t have walked through all those other doors I wouldn’t be where I am now. Everyone has a soulmate in this world and I have been lucky enough to find mine,or maybe she found me. Either way all the doors I opened to get here, corner I turned, lead me to her. I would not go back and change one thing in my life for I’d fear it would close the wrong door and I’d still be looking for my baby. So I have no regrets in life, everything happens for a reason. I’ve searched my whole life for my one, my soul mate and i am one of the few in this world to find her. Just like Noah and Allie, it’s meant to be. So I can relate to the movie. It’s just a moving and emotional movie that’s filled with Passion, hope, love and dreams. And some of the greatest moments of the movie happen in the nursing home. Thanks for reading.
@ Walt:
Well said and if anyone has a problem with the way you write, they can talk to me first.
As for what you wrote, I think we all “get” the movie. The problem is that it strains reality and good sense. Allie and Noah knew each other for three months as kids and then were separated for seven years (or 14 years if you go by the book). Can we say that they really knew each other?
By what you wrote, it seems it doesn’t matter how long they’ve known each other or grown individually while apart since they were “made for each other.” If that’s the case and Allie and Noah knew that, then it was a horrible thing for them to get into relationships with other people, knowing that they would constantly seek each other out until the end of time. OR, let’s say they wouldn’t seek each other out, but if they should run into each other on the street, they would totally break it off with whoever they were with to be together again (which is essentially what happened). Well, that reinforces what I said in my article. Guys need to be possessive and controlling just in case they’re engaged to an “Allie” who tells him that she loves him and will marry him, but if she runs into her ex-boyfriend will drop her current one like a bad habit.
Basically, there’s more than Allie’s and Noah’s story in The Notebook. There’s Lon’s story as well. And for the viewers and readers that have had their significant other dump them for someone else, Lon is the character they identify with.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
And thank you for Commenting back and I agree with you. It depends on whats happening in our own lives as to how we interrupt the movie.
Does anyone believe in love at first sight. Has anyone ever spent 3 months with someone they love. You know when it’s right. You know when you have found that special someone. I knew from the moment I kissed my baby. I knew. I knew I had searched my entire life for her, I knew I was right where I was meant to be. I just knew. And 3 months is not long enough to know someone, but 3 months is plenty long enough to know when your perfect for each other and it’s meant to be. I’ve been with my girl for 2 years now and I’m still learning things about her and I plan on doing that my entire life. I learn more and more everyday and I always put her needs first.
I think that Noah was scared Allie had forgotten after all those years and it’s most likely Allie felt the same, but they were never over each other but they wanted to other person to be happy. that’s why it took so many years. and I quote, it was never over, It’s still not over”. they didn’t know until they finally met again after all those years still loving each other. But when they meet, they knew.
Thanks
wow. it’s obvious that somebody doesn’t believe in love’s purpose and power. i guess all that really matters in life is money and security.
@Emma:
First, thanks for stopping by and reading. I always appreciate comments.
Second, it isn’t necessary to talk “about” me when you’re talking “to” me. Just address me as “you” instead of “somebody.”
Thirdly, I won’t go so far (and don’t think my article has gone so far) to say that “all that matters is money and security,” but I will say those two things are, in most cases, more important. If you had to choose between “having love, but living day to day, wondering how you’ll pay the rent or if you’ll be able to feed the kids tonight” and “not finding love, but having stability” I hope you’ll pick option 2.
Furthermore, I’ll be interested to see your reaction if/when your own daughter hits 17 and tells you she’s found the love of her life and he happens to be of a class you don’t approve of. Even better, I’d love to see your reaction when she’s 24 (or 31) and she tells you that she’s breaking off her engagement with the millionaire to be with the guy she met over the summer seven (or 14) years ago!
“What does he do for a living?” you’ll ask.
“I don’t know. I think he whittles furniture in his garage.”
“How will he support your family?”
“I don’t know! I love him!”
Is that the purpose and power of love? Please enlighten me, because apparently I’m missing something.
Okay fine…yes it can be unrealstic, however this is just a movie. It was not made to be like “real-life.” Most movies do not represten real life. In a way this movie is an escape from real life. Thats the basic purpose of the book and movie. It doesn’t really matter who she picked in the end…all that matters to me and some who watch it, is that its just an escape from the everyday grind. Thats why most women(or at least me) watch/read romance. So we can just get away.
Though this is just my opinion.
~Alyssa
I agree with your analysis of the movie (I was searching for opinions on it since I’m watching it on TV right now) in that it completely skews reality. What Allie and Noah have, that constant fighting but supposedly being crazy about each other is a really toxic equation (I’m speaking partially from experience here). As you stated, there’s no stability in that.
What people fail to realize is that passion wanes and that marriages are actually held together by commitment. Most women focus so intently on their wedding day that they forget that a marriage is a lifelong commitment to someone. Sadly, fairy tales and romance flicks don’t tell you what to do after that.
Love is an important factor in a marriage but I agree that it’s not the number one thing. Not to sound too eHarmony, but it really is about compatibility of beliefs and values. Marriage is a really great thing, but it is work - the kind of work that both parties want to do.
Unfortunately, due to the cartoon fairy tales we watch as children and movies like The Notebook marketed to us as adolescents/adults, everyone has a skewed view of what a relationship is really supposed to be. Your quote about marriage and “loving someone when they don’t deserve it” is spot on. That’s commitment.
And anyone who tells you that love is enough is lying. It’s not.
It is important, but values and finances are at the top, too. Marriages are hard enough without having to worry about differences in major values (religion, whether or not to have kids, etc.) and finances (what happens if Prince Charming’s credit score is abysmal and your APR on buying a car, getting a loan or health insurance premium skyrockets; or worse - if you can’t get those things at all).
I think society as a whole needs to take off the large rose-tinted love glasses they’re wearing and become a little more sensible about relationships. Perhaps then society’s ‘I’m-not-in-love-with-you-anymore’ divorce rates wouldn’t be so high.
@Alyssa:
You have a beautiful name. I hope you come by again.
I understand that The Notebook is a movie. Whether or not it’s supposed to represent real-life is debatable, but I’ll let that pass for now. The real concern I have is the viewers’ real-life emotional response to the film, which I feel is telling of society.
Let’s play with the variables of the film a little bit:
If we make Noah a heroin addict and child pornographer and Allie still dumps Lon for him, then audiences would universally agree that she made a bad move, despite all of the rhetoric about love conquering all. Given this scenario, it’s doubtful that anyone would defend the film on the basis that “it’s just a movie and not meant to represent real-life.” That’s because viewers bring real-life into the movie. Audiences relate. How do you explain the success of hospital, police and lawyer dramas on TV when 99% of the viewing population know nothing about those professions? Why are horror and action movies so successful internationally? Everyone understands fear and action regardless of nationality or culture. They can put themselves in the same situation.
Which brings us back to The Notebook. People — women, specifically — relate to this film. They don’t see anything wrong with Allie gambling away her love with Lon. Women probably don’t even see it as a gamble at all, which is even more frightening.
@Vargas:
You said it, sister. I’m a big proponent of love. I just wish people would have a broader range of criteria for it.
Hey Vargas, I totally agree with you!! Although the movie captures the essence of adolescent romance, which of course is the part everyone wants to watch, love is about so much more…we never got to see Allie and Noah raise a family together or when times got tough…I don’t even know what Noah did for money in the movie! I think someone should write a story about their marriage (we always see up to the wedding day in movies not the actual marriage part) and make it into a movie, however whatever the topic movies are fantasy and to pretend they are real-life is untrue. The type of events that happen in a movie to 1 single person takes 10 years to happen to a person in real life.
As far as the money aspect… (sorry haven’t read the book)
I think in the movie, they lead you to believe he is making furniture.
Sanded chairs in the corner… and he was making something else when she appeared out of the blue.
He could have made a business out of this as he obviously was good with his hands.
I only just saw “The Notebook” recently, I wasn’t interested in another romantic movie about true love.
The world we live in, has evolved so far away from that but, this was a very moving film.In part because of the chemistry between the actors(Ryan Gosling and Rachel Mcadams)and the beautiful story telling of their unforgettable love.Set in the 1940’s free from the Hi-tech age we live in. Where summers were spent out in the sun reading or playing games with friends not as fast paced as the world we live in today of fast cars with gps, cell phones and the internet. To coin a phrase “it was a simpler time”.
A few people are lucky enough in this life to meet someone who ‘completes them’ ,someone who’s not afraid to ‘hurt’ you (as Noah put it) they are willing tell you things as they are with no sugar coating or false sentiment. You will love them for who they are and vice versa and it does take work.So long as you both are willing to be there together and stick to that commitment.
Loves eternal mystery.
Socrates described love as ‘divine madness’.
Scientifically we can determine the path of the emotion but where did it come from ? How did it root there? And why doesn’t it happen with everyone we see? The challenge and mystery of love always keep us coming back for more.
And so will movies like this, we all love the idealism of romantic love.I believe we all have heard a real tale of love from a friend or family member or stranger off the street(I read RED’s entry above) that lead us to believe that maybe we too will have our own tale to tell someday.
You can add all the rational about finances ,family background, social position and career goals…but like I said before that is just the age we are living in, we are now looking for ‘love’ that meets a standard.
I love seeing so much discussion about this! It’s very interesting. There are always two (or more) sides to every story.
Rene - in reponse to your response to me (ha ha), I should mention that my husband and his fiance had not set a date for the wedding and that he definitely did not leave her at the altar, and she broke up with him. That said, I’ve discovered that love makes you do incredibly stupid things sometimes and that you’re not always thinking clearly or rationally when you’re in love. It’s good to have clear, well-thought out ideas and goals for a relationship before it happens but I’ve discovered that all or most of those things fly right out the window when you’re falling head over heels for someone.
I definitely agree with the intent of your original post, however, and I think it’s a good lesson for everyone to take away: real life does not always mirror the movies and you can’t expect it to. For every person out there that realizes it’s fiction, there are at least 5 women who read Harlequin romance novels and watch every “chick flick” known to man while sighing and hoping that their “Prince Charming” will one day appear suddenly and sweep them off their feet. I’m all for romance but let’s kill the unrealistic, Hollywood fantasy expectations.
I really hesitate on commenting on the movie “The Notebook” because I find that it seems to sting a lot of women’s feelings when I say that it wouldn’t be on my top 10 movies. Only because some people choose to see that fuzzy line between realistic romanticism and unrealistic. (Can’t we all get swept off our feet in the most incredible way possible, that it would always bring people to tears.) Don’t get me wrong, I loved the love-hate-love relationship they had for one another, how they became estranged, then finally reconnected - it was the ultimate girl flick. If I want a good cry then I’d definitely rewatch the Notebook just for that reason. But the only time I ever saw passion between the characters was when they fought - I’d probably be an instigator. I’m a little more old Hollywood, that’s why Casablanca would be on my top 10; along with An Affair to Remember with Grant and Kerr, and Roman Holiday just because I love love love Audrey Hepburn. But see, the reason why I watch movies is because it’s a step out of my day to day life, the characters/actors are living out those moments we wish would only happen to us. Soooo maybe if I were having a bad day and completing the About Me section for a social network I hope nobody holds it against me if I do end up listing The Notebook under Favorite Movies; but if I’m feeling a bit sarcastic I’ll list Napolean Dynamite as the “best” movie ever.
I would just like to remind everyone that this movie is about marriage. Lets not forget he his reading the entire story to his wife who he loves with all his heart and soul. He reads to her every day over and over again. Keeping her company being there for her at her side even though see has no idea who he is. If that isn’t commitment and love then I don’t know what is.
I think what so many people forget is that this is a MOVIE - it’s not supposed to be real life. Okay, maybe some people meet like Allie and Noah in the film and end up married and still happy years later, but they’re the minority. In real life you don’t act like characters in a movie because they are exaggerated to make the story more interesting and romantic. If all movies were made about realistic situations that happened everyday no-one would want to watch them.
Personally, I think women love films like this (as did I by the way) because they are an escape from boring everyday life. None of us honestly expect to meet a handsome stranger and fall in love at first sight, but we can still enjoy movies with that kind of plot.
I agree. this is a movie and not real life. Well said. And we all want romance and happy endings. And I find myself to be kind of a hopeless romantic and I do everything I possibly can to romanticize (if that’s a word) my baby. But I do believe in love at first sight and I do believe in soulmates. and everything happens for a reason. Life is not easy and sometimes we have to make the best of it, but if you got love, real, true love. Then that’’s more then most people have. WE both really love this movie and we hold it near our hearts, and there are parts of the movie we can relate too. There are parts of the movie that’s just fun that anyone in love could have fun doing. I know everyone has heard the saying, “Home is where your heart is”. Home to me is not a place at all, it’s in her arms. All my comforts are there with her. She is my home and when I am away from her, I am homesick. Anyway, everyone has their opinon and In my opinon, This is one of the best if not the best romantic love stories I’ve ever seen. Thanks for reading and sorry for my spelling.
“Love — real love — is loving someone when it’s hard, when they don’t deserve it, when they’ve hurt you in the worst way”
Well that was what the movie was about, wasn’t it? Yes, Noah loved Allie enough to build her a house she dreamed of and sit and wait for her, but Allie loved him enough to give up her comfort zone, enough to leave a life of money with a man who loves her.
Noah told Allie it wasn’t going to be easy and that they would have to work at it everyday. That sounds pretty realistic to me.
Yes they had that sweet innocent first love thing when they were kids but when they got together again they were 24 and 26, old enough to understand what real love was.
Alli chose Noah because she loved him more than Lon.
I don’t have a problem realizing that this was a work of fiction. What I have difficulty with is how the “heroin” a/k/a Allie is portrayed as such a wonderful person and is forgiven wreaking havoc in Lon’s life. She literally comes away smelling like a rose simply because “in the name of love and all that is GOOD” she goes back to her childhood sweetheart. How sweet. I felt like crying while watching the movie as well, but because she left Lon for Noah. My heart went out to him. What did he do to deserve such horrid behavior? And as I stated above, why did she feel it was necessary to wait 7 years (or however long it was – in the book it was about 14). If she lived her life that long WITHOUT Noah, what made her wake up then? Whey didn’t she just break it off with Lon when he proposed? Didn’t she begin to question her feelings – especially when Noah’s face flashed before her as Lon proposed? To backtrack just a bit in the movie, when she is about to make love with Noah she keeps chattering like a magpie because she “has all these thoughts running through her head” and even chastises Noah for not “thinking about anything.” However, when Lon proposes and Noah’s image flashes before her eyes (though maybe it was a hallucination, because she acted like a screeching cheap harpy), why didn’t she question her motives for being with Lon then? Why did she accept his proposal?
I also have to disagree with the portrayal of Martha in this movie. They made her look like [for the lack of a better expression – sorry] “used goods.” Could they have made her look any more awful, physically? Not to mention incredibly needy. They portrayed her as unworthy of obtaining the love of a man because she was widowed. I guess she had her chance too, but alas he died on her. I love the part where she meets Allie and is so receptive to her charm and beauty. Most women I know (and yes, I confess me included - LOL) would want to rip her to shreds with their bare hands. Come on, give me a break. “Ms. Allie Sunshine” and her love with Noah causes her to have renewed hope in the future? I don’t think Mary Poppins could have spread enough sugar on that one for me to swallow! Call me crazy (and some do – LOL) but had I been in Martha’s shoes, I would have felt extremely betrayed and definitely NOT hopeful for the future. Did she have zero feelings for Noah – or did she just use him as much as he used her? The movie only seemed to qualify the love shared between Noah and Allie and left no room for anyone else. Their love was unique, special and magic. Sure, it was built on nostalgia, deceit and betrayal. I don’t see either character Noah nor Allie acting very nobly independent of each other.
The greatest difficulty I have with this are the values that people take away with them after viewing films or reading books such as this. People react to the film and then bring these same values into their lives. I often wonder, does life imitate art or is it the other way around?
Rene – I loved your “whittling” comment! I actually laughed out loud! And yes, I would have loved to have seen their lives lived on a day-to-day basis. Not a love affair which spanned almost a generation condensed into a 2 hour film.
And, once again, I would have loved to have seen how Lon’s life worked out.
P.S. – did anyone notice that the vernacular was incorrect when Allie points to her throat and acts as if she were going to throw up? It was the scene where Lon is about to propose to her and is telling her of his many virtues. In response, she opens her mouth and points into it emphasizing her disagreement with what he was saying. That expression wasn’t used during that time. Just wondering if anyone else caught that.
P.P.S. - Now that I think of it - that expression pretty much exhibits how I felt about her character!
Angela
Martha was using Noah as much as Noah used her. Noah only saw Allie and Martha saw Richard.
Allie being with Lon for because he loves her and it would be wrong to break a promise would not make Allie truly happy. That’s why Noah told her to do WHAT SHE WANTED. Not what anyone else wanted. She wanted Noah. To be fair if it were not for her mom she would not have even been with Lon. Just because she told him she would marry him doesn’t mean she was required by law to or be made into a b*tch because she didn’t.
She went 7 years without Noah because she did not know about the letters and then saw the house he built for HER. Aside from that it was NOAH’S face she saw when Lon proposed. It was NOAH she saw in all the wounded soldiers.
Allie should be with the ones she wants to be with, not the one she is expected to be with.
The whole movie was about Noah and Allie. Who went on to a very happy life together, raised children and grew old together. Not Lon and Martha. Noah and Allie.
[Sorry this is tremendously long]
Was Martha only using Noah? In the scene where she asks Noah if he’d like to do something together as a couple, he outright rejects her, basically explaining to her how she shouldn’t expect any type of a meaningful relationship from him. She looks heartbreakingly devastated (and takes another drink — (note: a lot of drinking in this movie.)) I suppose she should just be grateful that he has sex with her. Her husband, Richard was killed in the war and I guess she was using Noah to fill her sexual as well as emotional needs. Yeah, he was a great candidate for that. She could have saved herself the trouble and bought a puppy instead – at least it would have shown her more affection than Noah did. And the way that Noah explained (or excused himself) to her made me want to slap him. Martha shouldn’t even expect any more than he could give her because he was “broken.” See, that’s what makes me saddened. He wasn’t “capable” of loving anyone other than Allie and she should be satisfied with the meager amount of attention he gave her. The characters are given free reign to go about hurting innocent people because of the prior injustices. The viewer hardly feels sorry for Martha as well because her character is so bland. They even made up the actress to look like a pale version of Allie – devoid of any “spark” of life. Clearly Martha expected more from Noah. I would have loved to see a scene where he asked her out for the first time. That would have been a hoot! They would have had to change the genre to “romantic comedy!” I could see him asking her “hey, Martha, my heart is “broke,” heck I’m broke (monetarily as well as emotionally - LOL), but I can give you a roll in the hay! I see you’re a war widow, and I’m sure that you’ll settle for that. So, it’s a date? Yet another cliché. Widowed women are easy and aren’t good for anything more than sex. The message you come away with is that she deserved to be treated that way.
“She went 7 years without Noah because she did not know about the letters and then saw the house he built for HER. Aside from that it was NOAH’S face she saw when Lon proposed. It was NOAH she saw in all the wounded soldiers.”
My point exactly. She shouldn’t have accepted a date from Lon never mind a proposal of marriage if she was seeing Noah in all the wounded soldiers. And when you think of it, if she thought of Noah when she was tending to the wounded soldiers, how would she even be aware that he was in the war since they had no contact? It leads you to believe that she saw his face in all of the wounded soldiers because she believed him to be as devastated as she was over their breakup. So, she must have believed that Noah still cared for her. Why didn’t she try to contact him when she came to this grandiose revelation that she was “looking” for him in all the men she was tending to – BEFORE dating Lon? Additionally, the movie (narrator) did say that she was surprised at how easily she fell in love with Lon. Surprisingly, she didn’t see Noah’s face flash before her eyes when Lon asked her out?
What makes Allie a bi**ch, is the fact that she dragged another person into her life BEFORE setting things right with Noah. She also should have confronted her mother and by that I mean not going out celebrating and double dating with her. However, as an Alzheimer’s patient she had enough spunk to tell Noah that the “young couple” should have told her parents where to go!
Furthermore, what makes Allie a bitch is the fact that she’s ready to go back to Lon after sleeping with Noah. Or was it that she wanted Noah to fight for her? And how she just strung Lon along and wouldn’t return his calls while she was staying at the motel. In my opinion, Allie made darn sure that she had Lon in place as the “safety-net” in case things didn’t work out well between her and Noah. Had she NOT had Lon in the picture she wouldn’t dare put her ego on the line to drive down to see Noah. Add to that that she lied right to his face that she was going “shopping” and that he didn’t have anything to be concerned about. Perhaps she wasn’t lying. Maybe she was going “shopping.” For a husband.
Allie summed up her character profoundly, when she speaks of her mother “she doesn’t plan, she plots.” My dear, indeed the seed doesn’t fall very far from the tree. You’re correct, it doesn’t make her a bitch. She needs to be upgraded to: “calculating bitch”
The whole movie was about Noah and Allie. Who went on to a very happy life together, raised children and grew old together. Not Lon and Martha. Noah and Allie.
And yes, the whole movie was about Noah and Allie. However, life isn’t that one dimensional. The supporting characters weren’t rounded out at all in this film. They were placed in the movie as little more than props or mirrors to reflect the wonderful virtues of Allie and Noah’s “love.” It didn’t let you have the liberty of feeling anything for anyone but Allie and Noah.
In real life, people get hurt. Innocent people get hurt. The tragedy of this is that society becomes desensitized to other people’s feelings when they’re bombarded with viewing this type of “romantic” selfishness. I feel it generates the belief in today’s society that it’s okay to do something really, really bad so long as it’s for the sake of something really, really good (for yourself!). It doesn’t matter that you’ve trampled and scarred the emotions of someone else to get there. It’s all in the name of love. How romantic.
I have to confess that I did cry at the end of the movie. But because it was 2 hours of my life that I’d never get back! LOL – only kidding!!! It was because of the frailty of life in general. That is so sad to me. And if you are fortunate enough to have someone you love very much you need to hold on to them and appreciate them TODAY. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one.
Angel
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