I was Stumbling through the Internet the other day and I found this site that takes the famous Jim Davis comic strip Garfield and edits the eponymous cat out of the frames. What you have left is the pathetic cat owner Jon Arbuckle made that much more sympathetic as he spends his days talking to himself or, more disturbingly, to no one at all.
The blurb introducing the site reads:
Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb.
Well, I don’t know if I can say that it’s necessarily a better comic, but it is an interesting new perspective. I’d always seen Jon as a quirky fellow, but seeing him shuffle around his empty home, coming up with inanities to amuse himself while he waits to die…I can’t help but see a little bit of me in him.
If you’re an avid moviegoer you’ve probably seen previews for Uwe Boll films. This goes doubly for moviegoers who are also gamers. Boll is known as the German filmmaker who adapts video games into movies. Unfortunately, these films are mere shadows of their source material and not very enjoyable to watch, to boot.
In recent years, Boll has created visual disasters such as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, Bloddrayne IIand In the Name of the King. To be fair, I haven’t seen the last one, but I imagine it to be of the same caliber. Not only are the plots ridiculous, the acting hammy at best and the dialog cacophonous, but the directorial choices are just mind-boggling. Cameras spin wildly around actors. Shoot’em up scenes last entirely too long. Flashback sequences recap bits of the film we just saw five minutes ago. There are numerous editing issues as well. In Alone in the Dark, a dead character can be seen getting up before the scene ends.
Amazingly, Boll kept making movies. With each incarnation, he seemed to get a bigger budget and bigger name actors, which left audiences scratching their heads in wonder. How the heck was he getting the funding? It turns out that Germany offered a tax shelter to investors who funded a film that lost money. In his recent interview at Fearnet.com, Boll explains:
They did, in the beginning, leverage the tax loss in Germany in a major way so you were almost covered by the tax loss. When I started raising money, it was not the truth anymore. So with my movies they have to make at least fifty percent back to get the recoupment of the investment after taxes, so the idea that was written in the U.S. press over and over again was not true—the idea like Uwe is shooting movies to destroy the money. If you see the numbers, a lot of people on the internet are writing only about U.S. box office. If you see Alone in the Dark or Bloodrayne was like number one or number two at the box office in, like, 15 other territories, like Spain, Italy, Russia, Poland, Greece, Turkey, the Middle East, Thailand. And now, In the Name of the King was nearly everywhere two to three weeks in the top ten, only not in the U.S. So this together with the DVD and TV revenues is not that the movies are a total financial disaster.
Video gamers around the world despised Boll for essentially butchering the games they loved, nicknaming the director Toilet Boll or Uwe Bollocks. The name calling reflects the general age of Boll-Haters, which the director claims is a “vocal minority.”
Petition Against Uwe Boll
Earlier this month, Robert Harvey created an Online Petition, calling for Uwe Boll to stop making films. Boll touched on this topic as well during his interview with Fearnet.com:
Are you aware that there is a petition online, signed by 18,000 people, requesting that you stop making movies?
Yeah, I know that. 18,000 is not enough to convince me.
How many would it take?
One million. Now we have a new goal.
At the time of this writing, the petition has 191943 virtual signatures.
The Genius of Uwe Boll
Following the interview, Boll filmed a video response to the Online Petition. In it, he lambastes prominent Hollywood figures and dubs himself a “genius.” Here’s the full clip:
Not fully realizing his catharsis, Boll created an addendum response, this time directed at Boll-Haters. Ironically, Boll’s ire seems to focus on burgeoning filmmakers rather than gamers.
WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE
Rip you apart? Wow. Violent thoughts aside, I can’t help but think that Boll might be on to something with his films. After watching Alone in the Dark I found myself anticipating the next Boll movie, because there was a certain “train wreck” appeal to them and I was curious to see the innovative ways that Boll would disappoint me in the next film. When it comes to movies, we want the characters to succeed, because we identify with them. When it comes to real life, there’s nothing more delicious than watching someone else fail. Is it any wonder why the viewership for American Idol drops severely after auditions? Furthermore, Boll feeds the frenzy by lashing out at his critics, which can only drive those critics to the theater or rental store to watch his next film for more ammunition. He makes a pompous remark about being a genius, challenging audiences to prove him wrong by watching his next film. Audiences go, feel validated in hating Boll and then flood the Internet with hate speech. Meanwhile, Boll has their money. Considering that people will slander you on the Internet regardless, Boll has actually managed to create a business out of it. If that’s not genius, I don’t know what is.
A Little Respect for Uwe Boll
Boll has set himself up with a win-win situation. He’s either purposefully making bad cinema and acting upset about it, which increases sales and ultimately profitable movies or he’s just a hated, sub-par director who gets paid to do what he loves. That ain’t too shabby.
The only problem I see is that Boll is slowly getting better. His movies are backsliding from “so bad, it’s good” to “so bad.” I hope he can refocus his efforts and get back to what we all know and hate him for.
Alright, as promised, here’s my acting debut (on camera, anyway). It’s called Cold Blood and it’s directed by my friend’s brother, Darren. I’m not too sure about the technical aspects, like what kind of camera was used or the editing equipment. I do know that the sound was recorded on a hand-held Olympus digital recorder. I have a very small part. Enjoy.
Cold Blood
Whew. OK, let me help you through that incomprehensible mess. The hitman guy (whose name is Crowley) is dating this chick and they’re having problems. Crowley works for my character (whose name is René [clever, no?]) and I’m a middleman bad guy. An important package was nabbed by some counter-operative codenamed Sparrow. Crowley has to get it back, which he’s already done in the beginning of the film where he’s standing over someone’s arm, smoking. The rest of the film is comprised of disjointed flashbacks…I think. Who knows?
Anyway, I was attached to the project in a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing and I had about a 30-minute car ride to memorize some of the most unspeakable lines rivaled only by the Star Wars script. Needless to say, I botched my portion over and over again. Thankfully, the filmmakers were forgivingly patient.
I must have done something right, because they invited me back to reprise my role in the feature-length version that we’re shooting this may. I’m excited, if only to redeem myself as an actor.
I’ll keep you all posted.
WARNING: EXPLETIVES ABOUND IN THE FOLLOWING VIDEO
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
I love creating for its technical aspects as much as its artistic values. When I write or draw something, I try to think about how I want the reader/viewer to feel and adjust the piece accordingly. So when I started to seriously get into Web design, it was only natural that I fall in love with it. On the other hand, it’s also nice not to take it too seriously.
A coworker of mine forwarded me these videos the other day. If you’re a Web developer, you’ll probably get a kick out of these.
Gary Gygax passed away on March 4, 2008. For those who don’t know of him, Gygax was one of the founders of Dungeons & Dragons back in the 70’s. At its creation, D&D was a role-playing game that pioneered the genre. If you’ve never played one, the best way to describe a role-playing game or RPG is “interactive storytelling.” Imagine someone telling you a story, but you have control over what one of the characters can do in the story. That character essentially represents you.
What made D&D cool were the rules. Your character had attributes like strength, dexterity and intelligence, which were represented by a number. In order to see if your character succeeded in a particular action in the story, like, say, picking up a heavy boulder, you rolled dice against the particular attribute that was being tested. There were other stats as well, like Saving Throws, Proficiencies and Armor Class. All of these numbers were important in fleshing you out as a living, breathing character in the game world. More importantly, they allowed the Dungeon Master to assess how the game world would affect and react to you.
The Dungeon Master (or Game Master, for more contemporary games) was essentially god of the game world. He or she told you what happened and how. The DM was also the only way you saw the world, so if you had a crappy DM, your game world was kind of bland. But when you had a smart, savvy DM, you were part of some of the best adventures known to man.
A few weeks ago, I read an article on Slate, by Erik Sofge. He writes:
But it has to be said: Gary Gygax wasn’t a visionary to all of us. The real geeks out there—my homies—know the awkward truth: When you cut through the nostalgia, Dungeons & Dragons isn’t a good role-playing game; in fact, it’s one of the worst on the market. Sadly, Gygax’s creation defines our strange corner of the entertainment world and drowns out all the more innovative and sophisticated games that have made D&D obsolete for decades. (As a game designer, Gygax is far outclassed by contemporaries such as Steve Jackson and Greg Stafford.) It’s the reason that tabletop gaming is not only stuck in the pop culture gutter but considered pathetic even by the standards of mouth-breathing Star Trek conventioneers. And with the entire industry continuing to collapse in the face of online gaming, this might be the last chance to see Gygax for what he was—an unrepentant hack, more Michael Bay than Ingmar Bergman.
I was bothered by the article on many levels. First, it was printed on March 10, just six days after Gygax’s passing. To criticize his life’s work and then call him a hack is simply in bad taste. The article goes on talk about how D&D promotes the slaughter of countless hapless orcs just for a bit gold. I don’t know if that’s meant to somehow have real life ties and merits, but I think the writer needs to keep in mind that this is a game, after all. Lastly, he claims to be one of the gaming nerds, but effaces them and their ilk - like the mouth-breathing Star Trek conventioneers - which has me thinking that he’s not really what he claims to be. Or, more likely, he’s one of those nerd traitors who’s crossed over to the party life sometime in college and therefore has the right to thumb his nose at everyone who’s still hanging on to their nerdiness.
He reminds me of the dentist on Seinfeld who joined every religion so that he could crack jokes about them. It’s that “hey, I’m one of you, so I can make fun of you” free pass mentality.
I don’t think Dungeons & Dragons is any worse of a role-playing game than anything else out on the market. Each has their own rules and game mechanics. At the end of the day, it really boils down to how good the storyteller is.
Role-Playing Games Diluted for Video Games
I’ve played D&D in probably every incarnation of itself. I remember when the Armor Class worked with lower numbers being better and struggling with the math when negative numbers came into play. I do remember when Elf was a class in the basic version. Heck, I even had the D&D board game.
Over time, I’ve watched the evolution of the D&D franchise wind its way through the video game media. I played the Gold Box series, which is still highly regarded by old-time gamers. I’ve played the more obscure Dark Sun series, the Xbox Dark Alliance games, as well as the two arcade games (not sure if there’s more). And of course, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the Baldur’s Gate games, Neverwinter Nights games and the offshoot Planescape Torment game.
I realize that not all of those games are really role-playing games. Unfortunately, today’s gamers don’t have the ability to tell the difference. Role-playing games have typically been considered harder to play, because they are more often text heavy and less action oriented. Imagine your average twitch-player who’s honed his reflexes for first-person shooter games like Halo slowing down to read the ponderous tomes of dialog in Torment. It seemed role-players and twitchers were destined to play separate games forever.
Then the game developers began making hybrids, like first-person shooter games that had role-playing elements, like stat building and dialog choices. A prime example of this is Deus Ex. This seemed to satisfy both groups because Twitchers didn’t feel excluded from more cerebral games and Role-players found a little more complexity added to simplistic games. Unfortunately, developers found that they could appeal to a broader audience with hybrid RPGs rather than straight ones. So now the majority of gamers think that games like the Final Fantasy series - which has no dialog choices and only the barest character building - are real RPGs.
I remember the frustration I felt, trying to explain to people why Bethesda’s Oblivion was not an RPG. The entire game relied on the player’s physical ability to play the game, ranging from attacking to jumping. You weren’t playing a role, you were playing yourself within the game. Gamers were trying to tell me how if you play a role in a game, then it’s a role-playing game. Therefore, Super Mario Brothers was a role-playing game because you played the role of Mario.
Ridiculous.
Sometimes - in this case, in particular - segregation through complexity is a good thing.
René Garcia, Jr. is a professional writer living and working in Southern California. He has been published in a handful of regional and national publications, including bello, Valley Scene, Inland Empire Weekly and 944 (Orange County). René is currently the copywriter for Cal Spas in Pomona, Calif. In his spare time, he maintains this site. It contains his published, college and personal work. Enjoy your stay and come back often.
A small donation ($1) will go a long way to paying down bandwidth costs, domain renewals and server lease payments. Thank you in advance for your consideration.
Gary Gygax passed away on March 4, 2008. For those who don’t know of him, Gygax was one of the founders of Dungeons & Dragons back in the 70’s. At its creation, D&D was a role-playing game that pioneered the genre. If you’ve never played one, the best way to describe a role-playing game or RPG is “interactive storytelling.” Imagine someone telling you a story, but you have control over what one of the characters can do in the story. That character essentially represents you.
